SALT LAKE CITY (ABC 4 News) - Battling your teens is an age-old problem. But, there are five common fights that could be avoided with just a little TLC.
When Kacey Koscherscheidt was asked if he’s ever told his parents, “It’s not fair!” he said, “No.” Right away his dad had a much different opinion. “All the time! Between these two? All the time,” said Kacey and Kenny’s father Christian Koscherscheidt.
“It’s not fair” is the first of five top reasons parents and their teens fight according to Youthologist Vanessa Van Petten of radicalparenting.com. A topic very familiar to the Executive Director of the Children’s Center Douglas Goldsmith.
“Children's worlds are not very simple today. It's a lot to navigate and they need their parents to be aware of it and be partners in that,” said Goldsmith.
So ABC 4 News went straight to the source.
“Me and my mom don't (fight), but me and my dad do,” said 15-year-old Brittney Hagman. She says she and her dad usually fight about her boyfriend.
Leslie Woolston has three grown men now, but vividly remembers their teen years and how she would handle the “it’s not fair” response, “And it was always the stereotypical answer, life is not fair. And they didn’t like that answer but that is what they got.”
“Treat me like a grown-up” also claimed a top spot on the argument list. “I wouldn’t say to you do this just because I said so. As adults we would say that,” said Goldsmith. He also says parents should ask themselves, “How can we give you increasing responsibilities that are going to allow you to practice being an adult before you suddenly get there and have to change overnight.”
Which leads to number three: “We are a different person!”
“I think that's a big one. That they say they know how it's like but it's way different now. Like way different,” said Hagman.
“It’s easy for us to say, ‘that’s just ridiculous, you don’t have to look like the rest of the kids.’ But, the reality is if I don’t look like the rest of the kids I can’t fit it,” said Goldsmith.
“For a while it was a phone because we are old fashion. I am old fashion. And I thought she didn't need one but at her age, 14, everybody has one and not her,” said mother of three adolescents Sandrine Koscherscheidt. Koscherscheidt said she and her husband eventually let their 15-year-old daughter get a phone. But, after long discussions and negotiations their daughter decided she didn’t need an expensive data plan and donated the extra money to kids in needy countries. A prime example of how Koscherscheidt says communication helps them get past arguing and solve issues.
Any parent knows that children and teens are very active and lead eventful lives. This lends itself to the fourth most common fight which starts with “I just want to have fun!”
“I've already walked the dogs, I'm not supposed to clean the kitchen. All the time,” said Christian Koscherscheidt referring to his son’s excuses to avoid chores.
When asked why these chores were unfair Kasey said honestly, “Because I don't want to do it.”
“It’s actually very simple. It’s called grandma’s rule and grandma was very smart and grandma said work before play. That’s it,” said Goldsmith.
And the fifth and final most common argument starter is “FOMO – The fear of missing out.”
And parents are best to be like, ‘Whoa. I’m talking about you. I’m not talking about what Jenny’s doing,’” said Goldsmith.
“I'm too young to date so he doesn't want me to go places with him (boyfriend),” said Hagman.
“We often have to give kids a way out. Because that would be embarrassing to say, you know, ‘because my dad said, he's such a jerk,’” said Goldsmith.
In all five instances Dr. Goldsmith says the number one way to get through to your kids is talk, listen and learn.
“If parents aren’t communicating they’re just going to struggle to understand and sometimes out of that struggle we start to lay down firm rules because we feel out of control. That’s when kids and parents start to get into trouble,” said Goldsmith.
“Usually, you can see sooner or later it starts to sink in. But, it's a lot of repetition and patience,” said Sandrine Koscherscheidt.
