Colombiana (Sony-Tristar)
Rated PG-13 for violence, disturbing images, intense sequences of action, sexuality and brief strong language.
Starring Zoe Saldana, Jordi Mollà, Lennie James, Callum Blue, Michael Vartan, Cliff Curtis.
Written by Luc Besson and Robert Mark Kamen.
Directed by Olivier Megaton.
GRADE: D+
REVIEW:
Sometimes a good action movie has funny moments. Sometimes a good comedy is full of action. Sometimes an action movie is so bad, it's unintentionally funny. Which is an unfortunate case for Colombiana, starring Zoe Saldana as an assassin bent on revenge.
Saldana plays Cataleya, a Colombian orphan whose parents were killed by a drug lord in 1992. Catelaya emigrates to Chicago, where she is raised by her uncle Emilio (Cliff Curtis), a mobster who specializes in "taking care" of people. Cataleya longs to learn the assassination trade, and eventually becomes a master under his tutelage.
Several years later, Cataleya is taking contracts from her uncle, but also leaving a lipstick-drawn calling card on all her victims (mostly very bad people) in the form of a Cataleya (her namesake and native Colombian orchid). Her intent is to draw out the drug lord Don Luis (Beto Benites) and his right-hand man Marco (Jordi Mollà), who is also the man who personally took care of Catleya's parents. When an FBI agent (Lennie James) publicizes Cataleya's orchid message, the bad guys, now living in the US under the protection of the CIA eventually catch on and come after her.
In the meantime, Cataleya carries on a secret love affair (mostly based on sex) with an artist named Danny (Michael Vartan), who wants to take their relationship to the next level.
The movie ends in a climactic battle scene where Cataleya must kick butt to get her sweet revenge on the bad guys or die trying.
Colombiana is a silly film full of stylistic action, and not much else. The story, which is intended to be serious, comes off as comical, especially through some of the spectacular and less-than-plausible means by which some of the bad guys meet their doom. Luc Besson's cliché-ridden script also seems more suited for his other campy works, like his Transporter series. The trouble is, Colombiana appears to be a film that's supposed to be taken seriously.
Saldana's main contribution to the film is brooding and kicking butt in skimpy outfits, which some might find appealing, but by the end of the film, you really don't care if she gets her revenge; you just hope Colombiana ends soon.
