2012 (Sony/Columbia)
Rated PG-13 for intense disaster sequences and some language.
Starring John Cusack, Amanda Peet, Chiwetel Ejiofor, Thandie Newton, Oliver Platt, Thomas McCarthy, Woody Harrelson, Danny Glover, Liam James, Morgan Lily, Zlatko Buric.
Written by Roland Emmerich and Harald Kloser.
Directed by Roland Emmerich.
GRADE: C-
REVIEWI'm beginning to think Roland Emmerich hates the world. He's destroyed several U.S. cities using aliens (
Independence Day),
Godzilla and short-sighted Republicans (
The Day After Tomorrow). I guess he didn't destroy it enough all those other times, since he's the main creative force behind
2012, the story of how we are all doomed, except for a few smart people and government leaders who obviously saw it coming. Oh yeah, and the Mayans. They saw it coming, too.
John Cusack stars as Jackson Curtis, a science fiction writer who stumbles upon a secret government science expedition while camping with his kids at at Yellowstone National Park. He is kindly escorted from the park by some very nice members of the U.S. Army, but not before he meets up with scientist Adrian Helmsley (Chiwetel Ejiofor) who happens to be a fan of the failed authors' work.
In 2009, Adrian warned the president (Danny Glover) and his chief of staff and bureaucrat-in-chief Charles Anheuser (Oliver Platt) that a mysterious solar phenomenon called neutrinos will penetrate the Earth's crust causing the core to overheat and become a real problem in 2012. The president rallies the world's leaders to invest in plan to save humanity by constructing huge arks deep inside the Himalayas. The president's daughter Laura (Thandie Newton) is a working to gather all the iconic works of art for post apocalyptic cultural survival.
Another guy hanging out in Yellowstone is Charlie Frost, a crackpot conspiracy theorist who happens to be right this time. Frost tells Curtis how things will shake out, starting with California sliding into the Pacific, followed by the explosive formation of a huge volcano where Yellowstone used to be. Frost also claims to have a secret map of where the world's government leaders are preparing a huge secret underground construction site where huge arks are being built to save a few select rich people, art works, animals and most important, the leaders themselves.
At first, Curtis dismisses Frost's claims, but becomes an instant true believer when California really does begin to fall apart. Because the whole sci-fi thing didn't work out, the failed author happens to be a limo driver for a wealthy Russian industrialist named Yuri whose entourage includes a pair of bratty twin boys, a mistress and her Lhasa Apso dog. When Curtis figures out that Yuri has a ticket to the arks, he gathers his ex-wife Kate (Amanda Peet), the kids and her boyfriend Gordon (Tom McCarthy), who also happens to be a beginner pilot. Curtis, the Ex, the boyfriend and the kids escape the destruction of L.A. in a plane and head back to Yellowstone to get Frost's map to the secret ark location.
Curtis gets back to Yellowstone, finds the map and the whole family heads to Las Vegas, where they meet up with Yuri and barely escape the destruction of Sin City in a Russian transport plane full of the billionaire's luxury and sports cars.
Eventually the group crash lands in the Himalayas near the ark site and sneak their way onto the "American" ship, which malfunctions until Curtis can fix a little hydraulic problem that keeps the door from shutting, putting humanity at risk as a Everest-sized tsunami barrels toward them.
There are other side stories in
2012 that were obviously inserted to represent the importance of families, closure, and sacrifice. One of these side stories include Adrian's father (Blu Mankuma), who is partners with Tony (George Segal), a racist estranged from his son because he married a Japanese woman. The night club duo are performers on a cruise ship doomed for tsunami disaster, but not before they both get a chance to say their last goodbyes via a few phone calls.
Even for an Emmerich disaster movie,
2012 has got to be one of the dumbest films ever made. Besides the phony science, technological improbability (oh yeah, cell phone service seems to work just fine during all the earthquakes, volcanoes, tsunamis and in the middle of Yellowstone), the script and disaster movie clichés flood the screen like raging tidal wave, including the obligatory rich-guys-will-pay-for-their-greed karma. The script is so inane,
2012 might be better suited as a comedy.
The numerous scenes involving the deaths of millions are handled in a very PG-13 manner, but
2012 is not for young kids. It's void of too much gore, kind of like crushing an ant farm. I have to laugh at Emmerich's clumsy symbolic irony, like the USS John F. Kennedy aircraft carrier rolling in on a tsunami to crush the White House, Ceasar's Palace getting swallowed up into a fiery crag of earth along with the rest of Vegas (Take that, evil gamblers!), and The Vatican collapsing and crushing thousands of faithful as they pray for deliverance.
Sure, the special effects are top notch, and there's plenty of CG eye candy, but the suspension of reality in
2012 is a little hard to swallow, making less of a disaster movie and more of a movie disaster.
