By Kimile Levell, Heal the Family
Are you and your loved one separated for work or other reasons and you are having a difficult time with it? Have you ever been forced to spend time away from a loved one? Are you involved in a long distance relationship and trying to keep the feelings alive? Is your family dealing with the loss of someone special and having a hard time dealing with missing them? If so, you will want to learn some informative ideas about keeping yourself emotionally current and staying connected to the loved one that's gone.
Tip 1: Allow yourself to go through your feelings about the loss whether it is a death or separation, they both can feel the same. Normal and predictable feelings you may have include shock, anger, denial, sadness or an overall numb feeling.
Tip 2: Talk about it and deal with it - you will either deal with it now or later, the best solutions come when you deal with it as it comes up for you. Stuffing your emotion is only going to prolong your suffering. Staying conscious of the emotion is the key to quicker recovery time. Find someone who can listen without commenting or agreening or giving you sympathy - this only makes you feel like not sharing. You need to be able to share without feedback so you can be with your emotions not someone elses.
Tip 3: Let go of any self-blame you may have. Beating yourself up is not productive. Take what is yours and leave the rest behind.
Tip 4: Nurture yourself. Give yourself plenty of time and space to relax, take it easy and do whatever helps you feel better, such as taking walks, baths or naps; drinking tea; listening to music; reading.
Tip 5: Take any pressure or expectations off yourself to "get over it" quickly. Grief can last from weeks to months or longer.
Tip 6: Talk to your doctor about possibly taking medicine if you're having trouble sleeping or are experiencing anxiety or depression. Or discuss the options of herbal supplements such as St. John's Wort (for depression) or kava kava.
Keeping the love alive:
Tip 1: USE THE PHONE
I advise not to let the logistics get in the way of talking on the phone with your partner everyday -- it's one of the most important things you can do to make a long distance relationship work. To cut on the phone costs, use a service like VoxOx, a free Web application that combines Skype, Vonage, Google Voice and Digsby. That way, you can communicate with your beau without a financial hurdle.
Tip 2: TAKE ADVANTAGE OF OTHER MODES OF COMMUNICATION
If you can't reach each another on the phone, then e-mail, IM and text messaging will do. When you're stuck in a meeting halfway across the world, it's always heartwarming to receive a loving text message from your sweetheart. Set aside a certain time, every day, to connect with each other. With such busy lives and so many obligations pulling at you from all different directions, it's easy to neglect communicating. Using other modes of communication will keep you and your partner close even though you're technically far away from each other.
Tip 3: KEEP THE ROMANCE ALIVE
You and your beau might not see each other every day, but it's important to keep the love going and present. Give a little something -- mail a gift, write a love song, send a balloon-o-gram, order lunch and have it delivered to your honey -- just make it happen. You're not physically together all the time to enjoy those little extras that your sweetheart might do for you (like bringing you a latte made just the way you like it). Your sweetie will feel cherished knowing that you're thinking of him enough to send a special surprise. Plus, he will probably return the gesture and will make you feel super-special.
Tip 4: PARTAKE IN AN EVEN-TRIP EXCHANGE
Odds are you and your love will be visiting each other. It's important to make this even to avoid a disgruntled other-half. Make sure that each person takes a turn visiting the other's city. This way no one feels as though they are doing all the traveling, thus making all the effort in the relationship.
Tip 5: DON'T TAKE THINGS PERSONALLY
Things will get in the way so be prepared. Since you and your partner live separately, odds are you'll maintain your lives in your own cities (as you should). It will help your relationship if you remain understanding and flexible. Changes in plans come up, work gets in the way and family emergencies emerge as a normal part of life. If your partner cancels a trip, do not take it personally and make a huge deal over the change (unless it becomes a regular pattern of behavior), Remember that you accepted the relationship as it is and must adjust to last minute cancellations as part of the deal.
If you have a loved one getting depolyed here is some solid advice on how to deal with it:
First, it is extremely important to get the paperwork out of the way. Some instances, it is necessary to have the loved one obtain the ability of filing a power of attorney. This will allow you to act on the loved one's behalf while they are gone. Usually, the steps for paperwork are overviewed by the loved one's unit and are completed well in advance- be sure to have multiple copies of each. Also, to set up forms of communication is another factor that must be met. Several places of deployment do NOT have coverage for many cell phone carriers carriers - I personally found that T-Mobile did have the best coverage range for the combat areas that my loved one has been in Not necessarily endorsing their company). Be reminded that roaming charges, long distance charges, oversees connection charges will make it very expensive - try to have phone cards sent to your loved on that will make it easier on your wallet. On the internet, you can use various methods to communicate, like My-Space, You Tube, web mail as well as others for options to using an expensive cell phone.
Second: Another way to see and hear your loved one is to set up Skype accounts PRIOR to the loved one leaving for deployment. The basic features are free, and you can use your computer webcam and microphone to speak as often as possible (I have used this and it is a great tool!). Keep in mind that the loved one would enjoy packages from home, letters of encouragement, and news updates as available. Use the Post Office to send packages (as not many others can deliver in the areas of deployment) and be sure to fill out the forms necessary for the mail / package to be sent. Keep the receipts and always insure your package (it's more likely to arrive). Write notes in their e-mail, let them know that they are loved and missed. Update them on the positive actions around your area - like parades, carnivals, community events etc.
Third: Start a scrap book of important achievements in the lives of the loved one that is deployed - keep this for them so they may feel a part of what went on while they were gone. Send photos via the internet, mail, or use My-Space or Facebook to capture those moments for your loved one to view when possible. Try to remember it is THEIR life that has to change, so try to remain available for them as the time zone can be a challenge. While your loved one is away, keep active, busy, volunteer, and keep in touch with them as often as possible to make the time go by easier than it would if you don't keep busy.
About Kimile Levell
Kimile Levell is a Mediator, Trainer and Life Coach who developed her method of transforming relationships and healing emotional wounds after spending 20 years successfully coaching and training thousands of people. She is the author of Accidental Healer (currently being published) which describes her courageous escape from her kidnapper at age 5 and how she recovered from the residual emotional impact. Her misery is her ministry and she shares step by step how to heal yourself and your relationships. She founded Heal the Family, a non-profit business committed to transforming family relationships, causing global peace. She is a prominent speaker and gifted teacher leading courses nationally. She is a devoted mother of two and has been very active in making a difference in her family and community.
Kimile Levell
801-809-2222
kimile@healthefamily.net
Heal the Family – transforming relationships causing global peace
