I just got the newest revelation from the pedophile prophet now doing time in the state prison in Palestine, Texas.
If he could speak or write English, he'd say, "America, get ready for a butt kicking." That's his point, but he takes way too many twists, turns and downright contortions to make it. So, allow me to present what I believe to be a few key (yet still rambling) verses from Jeffs' latest epistle. With a little guessing and a lot of reading between the lines we just might make some sense of it.
2. "Now know in United Sates of America a traitor shall cause enemy armies to come on land where he was of the causing armies of the nation to not be of a full ready order; even now doing this."
Translation, there's a traitor among us. This traitor apparently is in a position to weaken our military. Chairman of the Joint Chiefs?? A key member of Congress?? The President??? He doesn't say.
Let's try another verse:
4. "Military is of going where sent in land; and large area is now of the way to be weak on both the eastern, also southern shores of United States."
The attack will come where the military is the weakest. Jeffs said that could be anywhere from the North Atlantic seaboard all the way down to the Gulf of Mexico. (So we're safe in the West, right?)
Is this going to be a conventional or nuclear war?
10. "Now be of sure way, enemy intends to come on nation suddenly, to be on land of own soil, so nation doth not use weapon of greatest way of destroying, lest own people are of great harm."
Clever -- A surprise attack on our soil so we won't use nukes. But wait a minute, what's to stop us from launching a massive missile strike at the offending country and turning it into a parking lot? Maybe not so clever. (Ops, sorry Warren. I didn't mean to question your prophetic authority.)
So who will do the attacking?
14. "Enemy country holding debt of great overabundant order of the nation of United States soon cause economic way of harm to thy economy such as to disrupt international balance, a way to do such unrest way in all financial way of nation of they now most power way of money influence, to then bring present leadership to condition of confused disunity way, so as to not have order in all governing departments of nation."
Humm. That's confusing and long, but here's my guess: It sounds like China. And yet in this verse he's talks about economic
warfare. I think. My head is starting to hurt. Why would they buy up all our debt and then destroy us, making it impossible to repay that debt, not to mention destroying their own economy?!
Back to my question earlier, are we safe in the West?
16a. "You shall flee; then band together in south, also mid-eastern, then mid-west area..."
HEY! I saw that movie. Long time ago. A lot of future stars in it. It was about a surprise Russian/Cuban invasion of the US. Red Dawn
So we win, just like in the movie, right?
16b. "...not of full power to repulse enemy."
Oh, that doesn't sound good. Warren, what do we do?
22. "Let thy study be to do home emergency military organizing."
Home + Military = What? Guns? Tanks? I would personally love to own my own F-22, but who can afford it?
Let's back up, there's more advice in an earlier verse:
20. "Be ye preparing for the promised humbling of destructive order of storm; of need of food, clothing, temporary blanket warmth need; to feed people in need at time I show I have spoken; also earthquake in the nation of my coming."
-- A year's supply. Got that. No sweat.
But what's this about an earthquake? Now you're saying there will be a quake too? Great.
Okay, I'm going to the High Uintas. If anyone wants to join me, we'll sit out Armageddon together. It will fun! Just don't forget marshmallows.